You woke up this morning and you’re a black person.Congratulations, you’re alive! For now. It’s scary out there! Black men and women and all people with skin darker than Mark Ruffalo’s are in danger of being shot and killed by The Man, The WoMan, or George ZimmerMan at any second.We’ve probably already lost some of you.
Because #AllLivesMatter, we’ve put together a handy guide to not getting shot for you people. That’s exactly what we mean.
What you’ll need:
- A belt
- Different clothes
- White skin
If you do not have white skin, it is strongly advised to not leave your house, apartment, and/or crib at all costs. This is very important. If for some reason you find that you are a human being with basic needs like food, doctors’ appointments, you want to feel the warmth of the sun, only then may you leave your house.
Before leaving your home, first ask yourself:
Before leaving, first, ask yourself these important questions:
Do I really need to leave my home ever?
If you answered “No”, then stay! No, it’s not like prison. If you answered “Yes”, then ask yourself…
Am I white?
If yes, then be free! You can literally do whatever! This is definitely not like prison! If no, our research has shown that it’s best to become white before you leave your home. However, if you aren’t able to change the melanin levels in your skin, don’t be discouraged. Many have tried, but only Lucas Graham (who is a young Latino man) and Sam Smith (who is a 45 year old black woman) have succeeded at this through a biochemical metamorphosis much like that of a chameleon.
The best substitute for a complete racial makeover is to adjust your attire to project an easy going,non-threatening demeanor. This is where your belt comes in handy. It will keep your pants up as the honorable Bill Cosby commands, thus making you appear “put together”.
NOTE: The belt is not bulletproof and will not actually stop you from being killed at all.
Your belt will go great with your different clothes. Remember, if it’s cold or raining outside, do not under any circumstances wear a hooded sweatshirt. Those make you look really scary no matter how cozy or comfortable you may be.
IMPORTANT: If you are not wearing a hoodie, people are still perfectly capable of killing you, but those of us left to comment on it later will question why they did it a little bit more.
Acceptable places to go:
· Nowhere. Seriously, what’s wrong with staying home?!
· Somewhere really crowded. Lots of people around will make it harder for you to be shot. Or, that just means there are more people around that could kill you. Still don’t want to stay home?
Potential crowded places include:
· A department store – wait, they sell toy guns there and people might think they’re real. Never mind, don’t go here.
· A park – hold on, not if you’re playing with a toy gun.
· A gas station – not if you have to reach for your wallet.
· A street – but not if you’re helping an autistic man, because…shit.
Wow. We’re realizing that a lot of black people get shot and killed in all kinds of places and there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason for it. Maybe it’s just because they’re black. No, it can’t be just that! Is that it? Well, just in case, remember having white skin is important. If you try really hard to do that, just like Sam Smith, you’ll be fine.